Superhero Surgeon Fucks Everything Up Again

A well-renowned Orthopaedic Surgeon suffering from a chronic case of Complex Regional God Syndrome has obliviously fucked everything up again. According to a trusted source, the highly decorated Surgeon, who boasts a career long perfect record of professional self-satisfaction, confidently bumbled his way through another consultation with a shit-scared back pain patient.

“Wow, it’s bone on bone at L4, champ”, said the surgeon using double pistol fingers to point to the patient’s MRI images. “Worst I’ve ever seen. And your disc is shot to bits too. Look at your ligamentum flavum… totally fucked. You’ve obviously not looked after your back and now I’m going to have to fuse your whole lumbar spine. All I can say is you’re extremely lucky to have met me. You know sometimes I shudder to think where people like you would end up if not for me”.

The Surgeon and three time winner of the prestigious Annual Orthopod Dick Swinging Awards, went on to provide the terrified and confused patient with a run down of the pros and cons of the surgery. “There’s no doubt you need this surgery- it’s the only way I’m going to make money out of this. Don’t bother with those Physio jokers. You can’t fix your problem with a massage, dumbbell and a patient-centred ultrasound machine. And you should know that once it’s done, you’ll never be allowed to bend your back again. Furthermore, you’ll have a very limited tolerance for one or two activities like walking, sitting, driving, standing, sleeping, sexual intercourse and any other recreational or occupational activities you need or aspire to perform.”

Now, even though we both agree that my surgical skills are as sublime as my Ridge Forester-like chiseled jawline and washboard abdominals, I can’t guarantee that the surgery will reduce your pain in any manner. I can however, guarantee that your post-surgery x-ray will look perfect, and I’ll feel great about myself. And that’s what’s most important here, right? Now give me a high five, pal.”