Scandal: Squat University Student Wears Weightlifting Belt Without Earning It

A student of the prestigious Squat University has been disciplined for donning a weightlifting belt without first earning the right to do so.

“I’m totally owning my mistake” explained the student to our reporter, “It was an error in judgment. I realise I’ve let myself done. But more importantly, I’ve let the University down. I thought I could take a shortcut and jump from not wearing a weightlifting belt to wearing a weightlifting belt. But I know now that that is not how weightlifting works”.

The Good Health Tribune reached out to Squat University for comment. They declined to be interviewed but offered the following explanatory statement.

“Our policy on weightlifting belt usage remains clear. We require our students to refrain from using weightlifting belts until they have earned the right to do so. Our policy is informed by Squat University researchers, who have determined that the unearned use of weightlifting belts results in greater numbers of back injuries and deterioration of technique quality”.

The exact mechanism by which a weightlifting belt causes back injury or a deterioration in lifting technique is not clear. It’s possible that the addition of the belt forms a trip hazard of sorts, over which a barbell might get caught, causing the lifter to be knocked of his or her feet. Another hypothesis is that those have not earned the right to use a weightlifting belt, may tie the belt too tightly, causing abdominal aortic pressure and an increase risk of abdominal aortic aneurism.