Report: Functional Patterns Trumps Dysfunctional Patterns

A report by the Human Exercise & Physical Performance Authority (HEPPA) has revealed that exercise based on “functional patterns” is more beneficial than exercises derived from “dysfunctional patterns”. The findings has vindicated the positions of proponents of functional exercise, of whom many have long claimed that for exercise to be effective, it first and foremost, must be functional.

“It’s no surprise to me” explained popular Functional Trainer, Funky Duncan McNaudie, founder of Function First Funky Fitness, “You don’t need to be a genius like me to know that exercise programs should be comprised only of functional exercises. We have a pretty simple motto in our gym… “If it’s not functional, it’s dysfunctional. The haters just aren’t evolved enough to understand it. Unfortunately, most people aren’t alpha masculine enough to get it. I’ll try to explain it to you… but by the look of your effeminate biceps, you might just be a little too degenerate to grasp the concepts”.

“The key idea is that exercise programming is based on four human functions- standing, walking, throwing and running. Any exercises that aren’t standing, walking, throwing or running are therefore dysfunctional… and as such are a waste of my time, and by necessary implication, a waste of society’s time. The cool thing though, is that other movements, as defined by me, can help improve standing, walking, throwing and running… which according to me, makes them functional in their own right”.

Our reporter reflected back to Mr McNaudie, “So you’re saying exercise prescription should be functional, whereby functional exercise is defined as standing, walking, throwing and running, or any variations you determine to be essential for standing, walking, throwing or running. And conversely, any exercise that is not standing, walking, throwing or running, or a relevant derivative of them, according to you, is not a functional exercise and is therefore dysfunctional?”

“You just don’t get it… You must be dumber than you look. Are you sure you’re not actually a female?” replied Mr McNaudie