Relaxation of social restrictions likely to spark beer drinking epidemic

That’s the claim made by head of the Economic Bounce Back Commission, Neville Prospector. As the Nation continues to band together, by staying apart in a concerted effort to flatten the epidemiological curve of corona virus infections, some forecasters have turned their attention to dilemmas on the horizon.

Commissioner Prospector has argued strongly that we need to be well prepared for what will follow a relaxing of social distancing measures. “Inevitably there will come a time where our Nation’s Pubs will reopen. When this time arrives, the announcement, and our nation’s response to it will be, for want of a better term- viral. We will have an exponential growth in the numbers of citizens attempting to get down to their favourite watering hole for a half-dozen pints or so”.

Mr Prospector explained that just as there has been a risk of our healthcare system with the corona virus itself, there is a significant risk of our Publics Bars being overrun by a level of demand that the system was never designed to withstand.

“Pubs and clubs can tolerate big events in the calendar like ANZAC day and the Footy finals. But we are predicting huge numbers here. Reopening of Pubs is likely to be at least six months down the track. So we are talking about millions of pissheads who’ve been forced to sit at home with only their significant others for company. What are they going to do once they get the green light to visit their local?”

When our reporter asked the Commissioner how we can best go about preventing this epidemic, he replied “To put it bluntly, we can’t prevent it. The best we can do is put measures in place to “flatten the curve” on pub attendance so that we don’t see our bars totally overrun. We need to consider the welfare of our frontline servicemen and women in this space. Bartenders, Glassies, Bouncers… Even the bearded, hipster cocktail waiters who mostly stand around looking pretty will be pushed to their limits.

We must proceed wisely, and get ahead of this inevitable epidemic. We’ve workshopped a number of ideas to help “flatten the beer curve”… remote pop up bars have been suggested, as has the idea of tax credits for those who put their nation first by polishing off a 6 pack at home before heading to the Pub”.

The Economic Bounce Back Commission will meet with the National Cabinet this week to discuss their proposals.