Aspiring Charlatan disappoints Mentor
“I’m not mad, I’m just disappointed,” said Senior Lecturer Professor Rogers of the National Academy of Healthcare Charlatanism (NAHC). His words were directed at underperforming protégée, Danny Fuller-Morales.
“I cant work this lad out,” he told our reporter. “He’s got everything you need to be a great Charlatan Clinician… He’s sharp, discerning, charming and disarming. But he’s forever asking questions about morals and ethics- sheesh”.
We asked Professor Rogers if he thought the situation was salvageable. Could Fuller-Morales become a fully fledged Healthcare Charlatan?
“I honestly don’t know,” he replied, removing his glasses and rubbing his eyes.. “I tried to slap some sense into him the other day. Not sure if it helped. I don’t think he realises just how high the stakes are. I feel like maybe I just need to keep emphasising and re-emphasising the two golden rules of charlatanism”.
Rogers seemed surprised that our reporter didn’t know the golden rules offhand, but he seemed more than happy for the opportunity to provide an overview. He rocked back in his chair, and sighed, “Effective Healthcare Charlatanism is a two step process;
Illuminate & Complexify
Obfuscate & Simplify
Its not that hard really. For step 1, you just dazzle the patient with confidence, then frame their health problem in super complex terms. You know, everything is connected, all systems are integrated, nothing works in isolation etc etc. The key is to make the patient believe that their problem is too complex for them to understand, but at the same time provide enough assurance that you know exactly what’s going on.
For step 2, it’s just a matter of providing a specific treatment with a holistic, systems wide mechanism of action. You know, a treatment that specifically targets everything specifically, by targeting all the systems generally. That way you always leave yourself plenty of wiggle room to blame something else when the treatment doesn’t work. More important than that though, the treatment needs to be simple. A simple solution to a complex problem. Finally, the treatment must be slow acting, requiring a long term or ideally, lifelong commitment for maximal profit. And that’s it. Two golden rules: Illuminate & Complexify… Obfuscate & Simplify.“
