A Personal Trainer from the city’s western corridor has been arrested and charged with at least two counts of Technique Neglecticide. The Trainer, a highly qualified and experienced male in his early 30s was arrested in dramatic circumstances by the recently established Special Deadlifting Unit (SDU) of the State Police Department. It is understood that the allegations were first made via the newly formed NDSH (National Deadlifting Safety Hotline).

“The hotline has done it’s job. It is a vindication of all the lobbying and effort we’ve put into making this pipedream a reality. Today we can be just that little bit more certain that our society is a safe place for people to bend over and lift heavy objects”, said leader of the SDU task force, Detective Lenny Stabler. Details of the Trainer’s background have come to light in the days since his arrest. We cannot however, reveal his identity, for fear of a vigilante reprisal by extreme factions of the straight spine community.

The SDU has revealed the sordid history of the Trainer, which includes a gradual slide away from heavily prescriptive, “correct” lifting technique towards what some have described as a “just do whatever feels right” approach to lifting. “We see this from time to time… not a lot but it does happen”, explained Detective Stabler. “They could be a PT, a Physio, a Chiro. an Osteo, whatever, you know. They start reading a bunch of journals, develop a more nuanced understanding of the literature and they go ahead and take it upon themselves to change how they deal with clients to better suit their understanding of the relevant research. I know, it’s pretty sick stuff, right?”

Our reporter quizzed the detective about the welfare of the Trainer’s clientele. “Thankfully, no one had been maimed yet”, replied the Detective. “But with these sorts it’s only a matter of time before something goes wrong. Maybe its next week, maybe it’s next year, he will have a client lifting and they’ll hurt their back and there you’ll have it… all the proof you’ll ever need that this guy is a menace to society.