A study released just in time for Christmas has revealed that noceboic garbage delivered online is no less harmful than noceboic garbage delivered in traditional clinical settings. The news comes as a welcome relief to purveyors of nocebo across several healthcare professions, many of whom had been concerned that their capacity to dispense fear mongering pathoanatomical dribble might be limited by a changed media landscape post pandemic.

“This study is fantastic for us”, said Dr Scarlet Scaredypants, spokesperson for the Cumulative Microtrauma and Postural Handwringing Alliance. “Our Alliance had been preparing for the worst, but with this new evidence, we can all rest a little easier knowing that whether it’s in a bricks and mortar setting, or across a zoom meeting, we can just as effectively scare and confuse the shit out of our patients with baseless claims about correct posture, memories in fascia, derailed anatomy trains, inhibited agonists and anti-inhibited antagonists, out of whack cerebrospinal fluid rhythms, jammed cranial bones, locked facet joints, twisted pelvises and fucked up intervertebral discs”.

Our reporter conferred with a 33 year old Project Manager, Eezi Mark, a graduate of a 12 week online back pain course who was happy to report that the learning he received “online” was at least as fear inducing as his experiences in person to person settings.

“Oh yes, it was fucking terrifying. He demonstrated what was going on in my disc with a balloon. I got the message though… I know now that it’s those little bits of flexion we do day to day that chip away at the disc, eventually leading to a herniation. I just have to stick with the plan now or I’m fucked… Avoid bending my back like I avoid dinner with my mother-in-law. Don’t ever let go of my core, or things could just fall apart. And most important, maintain my subscription for monthly online reviews of my progress. I just hope I can stick at it for another 50 years. I mean, that’s gonna be a lot of deadbugs and clamshells but, hey, I don’t want my disc to explode do I!”