In an exclusive, The Good Health Tribune can reveal that no fewer than six weeks ago, a band of talented Massage Therapists joined forces to collaborate on a revolutionary, non-surgical penis enlargement procedure.

For many men and many couples across many centuries, there has existed a demand for interventions that aim to increase the length and girth of one’s penis such that one is better able to stand confidently in a public urinal or locker-room, and to a lesser degree of importance, achieve greater pleasure during sexual intercourse. The majority of interventions have been comprised of ineffective pumps and stretching devices, while a range of surgical options have been judged by many to carry a prohibitive degree of risk.

One would be forgiven for thinking that all hope was lost until unassuming Midwest Massage Therapist and Myofascial Release expert, Claude Petitpeepee was struck by a bolt of insight. “So I was working away on a patient, you know releasing all his thoracolumbar fascia, and it just dawned on me… Why not carry out myofascial release on a penis? So a few weeks ago I gathered the lads together and we discussed how it might work. We all agreed that if we can use our caring touch to lengthen the inelastic fascia of the back, or neck, why not the penis too?”

When asked whether his group had yet been able to provide any trial data or results, Mr Petitpeepee replied “Not yet. But we will be commencing a more formal trial soon. So far we’ve just been experimenting on each other, you know, trying different angles of hand contact, varying pressure, speed, rhythm, that kind of thing. And without getting ahead of ourselves, the results so far have been exhilarating. Mr Petitpeepee took a breath to calm himself before calling for caution over the results. He suggested it would be wise to proceed slowly, noting that it is a well known fact that fascia “carries its own memory” and that this could prove a barrier to the trial’s success.

“Any Myofascial Release expert worth their salt knows that a person’s memories reside within the body’s fascia. Our initial results suggest that the fascia within some enlarged penises struggles with it’s newfound length, girth, popularity and celebrity. We hypothesise that, via its fascia, the penis maybe suffering flashbacks to it’s more moderately proportioned and anonymous former life, which may prompt the fascia to tighten and shrink the penis.

For this intervention to be truly effective, we Myofascial Release experts need to balance our special ability to manually lengthen the penis against our special ability to dispel unhelpful memories from the penis”.

No small task.