46 year old Accountant, Matthew Ainsworth looks decidedly uncomfortable as our reporter turns his attention to his wife, Carol. Matthew has been in self-isolation for the past 12 days, following an international business trip. Thankfully, Matthew has a clean bill of health, but over the course of his self-imposed quarantine, one fact has become abundantly clear- Matthew is a lazy bastard.

“That front gate has been hanging by one rusty hinge for two years. And the bloody doorbell has been broken for six months” explained Matthew’s wife, Carol.

“I give him the benefit of the doubt as his job is busy. But he can’t use the ‘got no time’ excuse now… plus there’s no sports on tv either. It’s pretty clear what’s going on… he’s got two days of isolation left and shitload of work to do”.

Our reporter turned back to Matthew, who sheepishly avoided eye contact and muttered to himself “I’m busted… Fucking Corona Virus”.